Tears of joy streaming down my face. My heart is free, my mind is trying to catch up. Love floods my system. I feel connected in ways I can’t remember. Someone is on my side. In their own way. Without expectations. But I’m not alone anymore. Forgiveness has fully integrated. Or maybe it already had and this is just it’s physical manifestation? It doesn’t matter. Someone is finally on my side.
My father: A man of science. Happily drugging up any ailment as quickly and strongly as possible. Hard working. Plowing through any feeling of insecurity with harshness and determination. Providing for his family at all cost. Deep love in his heart. Went out of his way to understand me more. Last weekend, he was bound to sit still as he injured his foot. So he decided spontaneously to drop learn something new. Open to the possibility that he would walk out of the workshop at lunchtime, finally knowing it was all humbug, not for him, a waste of time. (He even told this to the teacher!) Ending up staying and returning the next day. Full of passion in the evening, telling me all about what he had learned! Some might say he went because he loves me so much. Some might say he went because he is stubborn AF and couldn’t bare that I knew more about something than he did. Whatever the motivation. I. AM. grateful, loved, forgiven, supported, understood, the daughter of a wonderful man.
Today is a day of celebration. It feels like a victory. I never asked him to go. It was important to me to remember at all times:
‚I love my family as they are. My choices belong to me, their belong to them. They are good enough in all ways, as am I. We can be different to the core. As long as we love each other. ‚
Our family – like most families- isn’t one of utter peace. We’re struggling through most days, never giving up on each other. There has been hurt, lost trust, moments of vulnerability and failure. There has also been laughter and camping trips in foreign lands, endless games of Rummycup (less enthusiastic games of Phase10), garden parties, lifts to and from dance, a connection to faith and church, moments of sharing words from God and cooking vegan food. I am and have been conscious of the ruins of the relationships that broke apart and how we have built them up into wonderful palaces. There has been so much forgiveness on all sides, so much change.
This moment of celebration for my dad is not to limit, but to amplify all of the blessings in my family – my mother, sister, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandmothers. I have always been difficult in the sense of not putting up with the way things were. Experiencing many intense emotions, in a family where emotions were taught to be held in. A little fire warrior with healing heart that would not allow things to be swept under the carpet. A soul too sensitive to allow screaming and nagging to be the way of communication. Man, I have compassion for the journey I have forced my family through simply by not backing down from living my own way. I can name endless acts of kindness from each member in my family stepping out of their comfort zone to stay close to each other and nurture each others‘ needs (me included).
The reason, my dad’s journey is so touching to me goes beyond. For the past three years, living authentically has been a big ass struggle. I dropped out of uni to train in healing modalities. In a different country, without income or plan or logic, leaving my parents desperate. It wasn’t a rebellion. It was my only way to stay alive. Moving abroad and creating distance was not a rebellion. It was the only way to find belonging in my soul.
And, bless them, throughout this crazy times my parents didn’t shun me or cut me off, or disconnect. Maybe not extraordinary at first sight, but a very different experiences from so many people in this life. And going against many patterns of past life experiences.
No matter how hard they have tried to love me and stay connected, we all knew that I was the odd one out. No matter how much I tried to be approachable and find words for what I was going through, we all knew that I didn’t make sense to anyone.
I had found peace with being alone in my way of coming into the heart. Sherishing moments in time where family members would join me – even just for a blink of an eye. Setting out on a quest for companionship outside my first tribe. Giving up hope so many times along the way. Simply accepting that companionship may only come with my own partner and children eventually – if at all. And continuing to show up for my relations with love. It was good enough. Despite all the hurt and loneliness. Because everyone was doing their best. Everyone was loving each other more than we could have ever expected.
And now it happened. My aunt joined my yoga class at Christmas even though it was the polar opposite of her approach to life. My mum allowed me to talk about my conversations to god. My sister and I shared our deep secrets. And my dad tried to learn and understand.
He may never practice what he learned, he may still disagree and fight with me. My mum may never join, I may end up in a corporate job. But for today, just for right now. Someone is on my side. I am no longer alone. And that is the biggest blessing I have yet experienced.
And I am grateful that my wildest dreams have been outlived.
love to you.
Patricia