On Sunday I attuned 9 Reiki practitioners. Today I have fully embraced the cleanse. I am looking at deep attachments and feelings. My strongest trigger? Saying farewell to my cat. I’ve gone through this process a number of times. It’s a common approach in healing circles to look at future events that come with deep pain and process. Allowing some of that to happen before we are forced to live through it.

So that’s what I do. This thought of letting her go brings pain. Deep loneliness. Even deeper desperation. My heart feels like it is cracked in all it’s places. My skin feels like it is in on fire. Every part of my being wants to run from this process. It feels like once I embrace this, the tears will never stop again. I have stood at this edge before. I know the only way out is through. So I jump. The tears drop down my cheek and silent screams stretch my face. My brain feels tense, re-coding old ideas and patterns. The subtle All Love vibration backing me up in case I want to be held. Guides by my side, angels holding my hair back and gently kissing my cheek. Fairies lighting fires of transformation.
Raising vibration sounds quite idyllic. It sometimes is for me. Mostly, though, it’s like going through fire.

There’s a lot to be felt.

My cat is healthy. My cat is alive. My cat is an autonomous being which came here to support my life’s mission, teach me, grow herself. From the get go we had a deep soul contract. We have lived through the worst and the best together. I have learned to love her without suffocating her soul. I have learned to let her have her own life outside our home. I have learned that she is much less attached to life than I am. She transitions smoothly where I resist. She endures with grace what I fear so much. She is gentle but wow, she is powerful. The pain I’m experiencing is my resistance. It’s the accumulation of my false believes. It’s the thought that there will be a void without her. That I will always be grieving. That nothing will show up in my life to fill her role.

There’s nothing to be feared.

Last night I met with a dear friend. We passed on messages for each other. I knew I had to ask about Laila’s passing. He channeled a beautiful image of her. Right now she is sitting in between two portals, licking her paw. She hasn’t quite decided yet whether to stay or leave. She’s doing this for me.  She has also already planned her next incarnation. Her message is :not need to worry, not need to fret, not need to fear. When she passes she will smile. She will jump into a beautiful field of golden flowers. Her energy will transform. But she will be clearer to me than my guides could ever be as I have met her in the physical. I will have instant connection and feel her presence and cuddles at many times. Then she will reincarnate and still watch over me no matter where she ends up in the world. She will return to me in this lifetime in different form.

As I heard these words, spirit took me to the moment of her passing. Of my higher self holding her in her arms. I received the image of a young child leaving for their first day of school. It’s the mother that often has to let go as the little one journeys, ready to learn and grow. Tears of joy streamed down my face – in the middle of a coffee shop mind you! – there was a profound understanding: her passing will leave me in deep peace. I love this being so much, her happiness is more important than keeping her in my life. I put her path over the need to be supported in mine. I felt what I will feel when she has gone: freedom, belonging, laughter, joy, adventure, opportunity.

There’s a lot to be felt. There is nothing to be feared.

Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves. It is excruciating. It feels like the heart will never recover. Some people never recover. The only way I know to survivie is by feeling. By really crying and screaming, by moving and curling up on the sofa. By allowing my process no matter how unreasonable it seems.

On Saturday there will be a powerful new moon. It’s on my name day. A special day in my family. I chose the name Patricia for many reason. Maybe a different post. I will be out early gathering herbs and flowers for smudging sticks I am making. I will be walking in the presence of my ancestors. Connecting to the ones who have passed makes death easier for me. Remembering their wisdom calls their presence into my life. The veil thins. I am able to see energy rather than the physical experience I am in.

So that’s what I am doing right now. I am allowing the pain to come in waves, I get ready for gratitude and bliss to guide me into peace. Then I’ll have some lunch. I’ll see myself as the greater being that I am. The energy that flows within and around. I allow the mind to bring perspective. The mind says: You are called to travel. You are called to carry your blessings into the world. You are called into a community where you find the support you have been longing for. That path is different from living in your cave at home with a beautiful cat. But it will be an improvement to your situation.

My friends, there is a lot to be felt. There is nothing to fear. And I’ll leave you with a song by Trevor Hall:

‚
I’ve got to go back to those skies indigo.
Back to holy country roads.
Back to what my sweet heart knows.
I’ve got to play like a child in her lap,
no defending, no attack.
I know that spirit’s got my back.
Well the story continues after all that we’ve been through,
after time that we’ve passed. And we go fourth everlasting.
Well the spirit’s been gracious,
it’s been leading with patience.
From the dream to the waking,
well, we follow the sacred
and see who we really are.
Who will it be?
Where will it come from?
What we really need?
Everything surrender.
Everything free.
Give thanks for that owl medicine and see.‘

You can enjoy the song here.

Until then, my friends. Sending love and hugs

You are part of my heart<3