In my life, there are areas that I’ve got down. 10/10. And then there are areas of my life where I’ve gone round and round this cycle. I allow myself to daydream, put it into action, get really close to what I want so desperately and at the last minute it all crumbles.
Now, now, please hold any and all comments that suggest I don’t love myself enough, or I have a mental blockage, or that I have to heal my father/mother wound before any of this can be successful. I’ve been oversubscribed to the ’spiritual half-truth 101′ for quite some time now. I will continue to do my healing and practice self love. That being said, I can still be in a healthy and loving relationship, raise a family, and enjoy my work in the mean while. Otherwise humankind would be extinct.
Now to the real bummer: I suspect that this cycle will continue for a while. (Sucks, eh?!) Of course I am open to the possibility that everything can fall into place in one second. And I know for many that’s how it happens, so let’s keep the backdoor open for that.
I also like to put in the work on my side before I sit back and trust that miracles will happen. When I am dissatisfied with aspects of my life, I use the law of attraction, I say my prayers, I ask for guidance. Today, however, I want to make a plea for the abundance hidden inside the excruciating sorrows of lack. At a time where a long term relationship dissolved, leaving a perfect imprint of what I desired in the depth of my being, and simultaneously making it crystal clear that I had none of it, I cried (and cursed). I cried (and cursed) for days. And once that disappointment had run out, I made some time for ‚real talk‘.
In times of ‚real talk‘, I sit down with my inner soccer coach and map out what needs to happen. If I am honest with myself, there were great aspects in that relationship. But it would have limited our souls in the long run. Yes, I would have loved to have a child with this man and start a family, but what I want to give my child would not have been possible with this father. And so now, after giving it a trial run, I know better what I desire. I see clearly where I need to come into alignment, I understand somewhat more what I am meant to do on this earth – or at least what I truly want to do. It’s like a batch of making pancakes. The first one usually flops. But even a bad pancake is still a pancake.
So even if at times in life I flop a relationship, project, lesson or day – it’s still all okay. In every failed run there are moments of outstanding beauty. And maybe, just for once, I could let go of self-shaming. Because I still haven’t overcome that cycle, because I am still learning, because what I have invested in did not bring the results I desired. And instead I can be compassionate with myself. Like I would be with a friend, or a little child. Always learning. And then, finally, I might be able to see that there was no failure at all. That it is okay to drift apart, to let things go, to allow the cycles of life without judgement. Suddenly I am good enough. I still acknowledge that I have nothing of what I so desperately wanted. But like a child I can pick up the pieces of my building block tower that came crushing down and just try out something else.
Lack is a clean slate. Lack is abundant for we can re-create a reality beyond our wildest dreams. When I find myself with nothing left, everything is possible.
I start daydreaming , building, make new choices, align. And eventually, there will be a hint of something. And that alone is enough to spark the fire in my soul – so that eventually, there is new bravery within to try again.